What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is the mistreatment of one family member or intimate partner by another. The abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal, emotional and psychological. Most often (but not always) the persons who abuse are men. Most often (but not always) the victims of abuse are women or children. Substance abuse by a family member can contribute to other forms of abuse.
Topics on this page:
- You may be a VICTIM if you
- You may be an ABUSER if you
- The Vocabulary of an Abusive Situation
- Domestic Violence - A 6-Part Video Series (from the Maryland Courts)
You may be a VICTIM if you:
- are frightened of your partner's temper
- do what your partner says because you are afraid of your partner's feelings or are afraid of your partner's anger
- have the urge to "rescue" your partner when your partner is troubled
- find yourself apologizing to yourself or to others for your partner's behavior when you are treated badly
- have been kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you by your partner when he or she was jealous or angry
- make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how you partner will react
You may be an ABUSER if you:
- are often jealous
- lose your temper frequently and more easily than seems necessary
- find yourself criticizing and putting down your partner a lot
- have difficulty expressing your feelings
- believe that it is your role to be in charge
- are protective of your partner to the point of controlling his/her activities and relationships
- control your partner's behavior, money, and decisions
- have broken things, thrown things at your partner, hit, shoved, or kicked your partner when angry
- were physically or psychologically abused as a child
- find yourself exhibiting violence against other people
- handle guns and use them to protect yourself against other people
- commit acts of violence against objects and things rather than people
- find yourself drinking alcohol excessively
- abuse any prescription medications or illegal substances
- display an unusual amount of jealousy when your partner is not with you
- expect your partner to spend all of his/her free time with you or to keep you informed of where s/he is
- become enraged when your partner does not listen to your advice
- have firm ideas of what people should do that are determined by male or female sex-oriented stereotypes
The Vocabulary of an Abusive Situation
The following list of words from victims give you a flavor of what is meant by abuse. Some acts by themselves are abuse. Other acts should be considered in the larger context of the relationship and other acts.
Physical abuse
| raped | kicked |
| dragged through the house | poked |
| pushed | held down |
| hair pulled | restrained |
| arm twisted | squeezed |
| threatened with a weapon | slapped |
| locked in the house | choked |
| thrown down the stairs | pinched |
| bent fingers backwards | punched |
| threw objects at me | cut |
| pushed out of the car | tripped |
| banged my head on wall | burned |
| bumped into | suffocated |
| grabbed | spitting |
| kidnapped |
Sexual abuse
| raped | accused me of affairs |
| said my body disgusted him | told I was inadequate in bed |
| friends wanted sex after abuse | forced pregnancy |
| distasteful sexual acts forced on me | beaten if I refused sex |
| brought other women home | criticized my appearance |
| told me I was fat and ugly | bragged about his infidelity |
| made constant sexual demands | didn't care about my pleasures |
| withheld sex from me | forced cohabitation |
| revenge porn |
Financial abuse
| took my money | he controlled the checkbook |
| all bills are in my name | didn't know about our assets |
| no money of my own | I had inadequate clothing |
| sold my furniture | had to account for every dime |
| destroyed belongings worked for | quit his job |
| never given enough money for bills | forced to write bad checks |
| his wants came before family needs | not allowed to go to school or work |
| forced to commit robberies | spent money on drugs and alcohol |
Verbal abuse
| yelled at | called names |
| nagged at | called racial slurs |
| put-down of women in general | cussed at |
| always called stupid | told no one else would want me |
| talked to as a child | threatened to kill |
| put down my appearance | belittled important things I did |
| threatened to take kids | constant phone calls |
| told I was crazy/stupid/ugly/dumb | told I was an alcoholic/drug user |
Emotional abuse
| embarrassed me in front of others | couldn't have any privacy |
| created crises so I had to pay attention to him | couldn't tell when he'd be nice or mad |
| living with his alcoholism/drug abuse | made me lie about how injuries occurred |
| only allowed to see his friends, never mine | threatened to hurt family/friends |
| had to do everything, even when sick | threatened or actually hurt pets |
| always worried [about] his next step | not allowed to use the phone |
| threats to hurt or kill me or the kids | told me others didn't like me |
| threats to hurt or kill himself | destroyed my belongings important to me |
| his suicide attempts | physically withdrew from me |
| didn't talk to me - the silent treatment |
Domestic Violence - A 6-Part Series from the Maryland Courts
These videos cover who qualifies for a protective order, how to ask for one, what happens at the hearings and more.
Part 1: Can I Get a Protective Order?
Part 2: Protective Order Safeguards
Part 3: How to File for a Protective Order
Part 4: Did You Get Served with a Protective Order?
Source
This section is reprinted with permission from "Family Violence and Religion," a book published in 1995 by Volcano Press. Edited by Laure Ruth.